In a couple hours I’m going to be offline for a while – not exactly sure just how long.  See at this time tomorrow I’ll be in an operating room having my right knee replaced.  So kinda hard to get reviews up when that’s happening.  *trying for ironic humor here :)*

Wish I could say I’m being all brave and happy about this – I’m not.  I am scared, more scared than I can ever remember being… and I’ve had some scary moments in my life.  And it’s not a fear for myself, what is to be will be I’ve long ago accepted that in my life.  It’s for that kid of mine – the 35 year old young man who is such an amazing person – even when a disease has kept him in a wheelchair and dependent on a ventilator for his every breath… he’s still an upbeat, amazing kid of mine.  But I’ve always been there in the forefront and now in the background, his safety net so to speak – so this surgery, though totally necessary, is frightening for us both for perhaps different reasons.  I can already imagine the guilt for me when he needs something that I (for the moment) simply cannot do.  Or should there be complication to the surgery… hey, it happens there are no guarantees in life.

But there comes a time when a person simply has to take care of them first – even when it goes against every instinct.  Today I am in a level 9 on the 1 -10 pain level the doctors ask about.  It’s been that way, with spikes higher, consistently for two years now… I cannot do it any longer.  That level of pain is slowly wearing me down to the point of barely functioning.

Yes, the pain of the next few weeks will likely make that seem like a stroll in the park – but down the line, in a couple months, if I do what I need to do – then I can be almost pain free and get back to living life, doing what I need to do and those things that I want to do – like planting a garden, getting a puppy and taking long, energetic walks through the woods that border our back yard.  Simple things but things I want to do again.

So for the rest of today I’ll be getting my home in order, last minute trips to the grocery story – all those things that you do when you don’t really know what is coming but you’d better be prepared.  And trying not to overthink – trying to find that calm place where I can just go with the flow and hope for the best outcome.

Yep I’m scared… but determined.

See ya all when I can get back online and back to the stories that I love to tell you about.